A year ago I could barely dance on stage, I would get overwhelmed by stage fright and my body posture was not open. I was too scared to share anything about myself, I didn't trust myself to show it properly and I was afraid of being rejected. Scary stuff at a normal performance, even worse at a competition. It wasn't just fear of the audience, it was deeper than that but I didn't know how to access that...I was not willing to go there. It took several months of mindfulness about how I was dancing and "faking it" before the ease and confidence I was looking for started moving through me. It also coincided with several personal events where I was moving away from old habits and ways of being. No longer was I leaning on a dance teacher, relationship partner, or friend to figure out who I was, I'd started doing that for myself. Facing my world with my head up, heart open, palms up, and not hunching away from it. It was as if someone had flipped a switch inside me, changing the way I was wired. Its not easy to stay that way though, old demons come back, they lure, taunt, and try to coerce me back into not trusting myself to be who I am. I'm ok with it being a back and forth for the forseeable future, I know it will get easier to manage each time it comes up.
All of this is what inspired my piece for the Breakthrough Fusion Competition. It was the ideal venue for me to show my fear exactly who was in charge (didn't hurt to have that acknowledged by the judges). This is the most real dancing I've ever done and I want to keep exploring this sort of thing.
http://www.vimeo.com/8876654
No comments:
Post a Comment